Is Kate Middleton too thin? Yes. Obviously, yes. We here at tablahblah are working with close friends of the Duchess in order to help her identify and strive for the Ideal Weight. As yet, Kate is unreceptive to our interventions.
She smiles through her pain
As these privately gathered pictures show, Kate is struggling through the sometimes together, oft-apart marital state that is unique to royalty by working on her appearance.
Is this a result of over-exercise or the knife?
Of course, having access to the Royal millions and many London connections, Kate is able to achieve consultations with the most sought after and even quite highly skilled plastic surgeons. Much as with images of Princess Diana, who some would say was her “predecessor” in the media limelight and the hearts of the public, it is possible to look at pictures of the young newlywed from different angles and clearly speculate that there may have already been work done on the face of this classic English Rose.
Kate is "stick-ing" on the "arm" of her airforce husband
We’ve all heard someone making comments about how thin Kate’s arms look, and we can see here that there’s an obvious plastic-y texture to her body. Making her maiden speech as a Royal to sick children might not have been such a good idea when Kate is obviously something less than a role model to today’s youth.
Can’t you be happy with the body you were born with, Kate?
Coming next week: the permenant damage that women like Kate do to their feet by wearing crippling skyscraper heels.
We'd love to borrow your Louboutins, Kate!
When offered the part of the Virgin Mary, the Duchess replied in a manner that cannot be repeated. However it is of course traditional that the Royal Family become involved in the country’s Christmas celebrations, and as such – and as the newest member of the family – she was most unusually allowed to choose her own role.
Beautiful.
“I’ll fucking do it! Don’t FUCKING PUSH ME!”
Your problem, Kate, is that you love peanut paste TOO much.
Once you pop you just can’t stop, huh? But it seems you’ve acknowledged your problem, and want to keep it out of official occasions. That’s why you refused that peanut paste – because you knew you’d hulk out.
That’s fair.
“How could we EVER have thought you needed lessons on how to be royalty?”
Was the cry that rang out from Buckingham Palace last night, following the unearthing of these candid photographs of the Duchess (then only K-Middy from the block) from late 2007.
And quite right, too.
Quite right.
Tabloids are shitting themselves in embarrassment after predicting that K-Middy WOULDN’T wear the “Carnival-ispired” creations seen from Issa at London Fashion Week. She’s done it again! Pushed the envelope and pushed it hard!
Spotted out shopping in the boring, dull, achingly backward and generally no good countryside (ugh), her Duchiness showed that the one thing wrong with Issa’s designs were – no surprise – a lack of natively-sourced resources! BRITISHNESS! Seen here in a custom-made headdress and torso decoration, it’s clear that the lesser known giant pheasant is due for a comeback in fashion circles soon. Kate wears its feathers to perfection, and shows that even a Prince can’t expect to spend time at work saving lives and leave his mature, considered and understanding life-partner at home.. and expect her to sit and do the shopping quietly! What a stupid bastard! Let’s all hope their marriage fails!
The hottest new recessionista trend is “recycling” your outfits – wearing each piece, gulp, more than once; mixing the various garments and accessories you own with other bits and pieces you own, to make whole new outfits. Sometimes you might even wear an article from one designer with another from a completely differet house!
And of course, the Duchess of Cambridge is (as always) leading the pack! Spotted recently at an event in the garden of England, we see here here wearing not only the shoes she first showcased in her engagement pictures, but the bag too!
Even more daringly she flaunts the engagement ring worn by mother in law Princess Diana – a double recycle! Give the girl a medal!
The wonderful ballgown she wanders between the flowerbeds in appears to be made of some sort of ultra-futuristiuc material. Possibly – dare we say probably? – manufactured specifically FOR Kate Middleton herself. And really, it’s about time! Let’s see you supporting British industry instead of preteding to be one of the common people, madame future-Queen!
America: Land of dreams; land of nightmares.
Hollywood having given us so many iterations of that British-authored classic Dracula, perhaps it’s no surprise that the Royal Couple’s recent trip across the Atlantic has inspired Mrs Wales’ current look.
A fascinator – as the Du.Kent has so often worn even on her safe-days – in the shape of the head of Posh “Victoria Beckham” Spice, teamed with a luxurious fur vest and Kate’s naturally slim nose (paging Mrs Coulter..) means one can’t help wonder if there’s some sort of message about motherhood forcing its way out here.
The surprising documentary film Spiceworld: The Movie gave us many harrowing scenes but none so shocking as the delorean-gathered vision of Posh’s mothering methods. “I only see mine once a month“, Mrs Beckham slurs into her drink – and considering the Royal sons’ histories it seems certain that any Middleton offspring would be, indeed, attending boarding schools from a young age.
There are few parenting methods more based in absenteeism and socially unacceptable behaviour as Marisa Coulter’s “raising” of Lyra.
Tabloid magazines may have claimed that the future queen’s reproductive system may not, gasp, be filled in the near future -
Is she replying, you’re too bloody right, and fuck parenthood anyway?
Anyone who looks up to Vlad Tepes, Dracula, as an icon (STYLE OR OTHERWISE) surely has to be reconsidered as the right woman to lead any future development whether of the country, or of public matters such as “her own family”.
Still. At least she’s not into the Twilight vamps, right? There’s public pregnancy-feminine, and then there’s enjoying heteronormative romantic fantasy-feminine.. and only one of these is acceptable in a prospective monarch.
First she knocked Gaga from the Global Language Monitor’s top fashion spot, and now it looks like she’s also pinched the Lady’s penchant for ‘dresses made of things‘!
With the recent release of “Born This Way”, is the Duchess of Cambridge involving herself in a transcontinental sartorial conversation about the commodification of gender presentation with this cheeky nod to both Lady Gaga and female body hair? Or is she just pissing about?
We may never know.
But BOY, does PCath look like a BOMBSHELL in that getup, huh??
“As a member of the Royal family, I have to be prepared for anything. If an apocalyptic event were to render the Windsors, or even me particularly, the last hope for full leadership and rebuilding of the country I would need to be ready to stand up. Obviously that means I’ve pre-planned what I would wear. You don’t want to have to think about that in the middle of a disaster, do you? But a member of the monarchy must always look appropriate.
Actually I’ve been planning this for years, ever since I watched that show The Tribe on Milkshake. Did you ever catch that? Back in ’99? You should. It’s good.”
Like many previous Queens, Princess Catherine is not afraid to hold a weapon. In the post-apocalyptical future-Britain, where rhubarb and some few people have been changed to giant-size, a lady and a leader fully needs her sword, gun, other gun, knife, and sheath of arrows.
Her hair shines with the righteousness of a busy monarch, and even when all is dust and the people cry out for salvation, the Duchess of Cambridge can muster a smile when she thinks of the land and citizens she serves.
Jumpsuits are so hot right now.
